film festival Thursday

Mom and Dad took off for Baldwin and the motorhome this morning, so this afternoon i took a trip to the video store to find something good to watch on my day off.

i grabbed "factory girl" with Sienna Miller as Andy Warhol's protege, Edie Sedgwick. interesting film. well done. good characterizations. i didn't know much about Edie before the movie other than she was part of the whole "factory" crowd. Guy Pearce made for a creepy Andy Warhol, and wow...was Hayden Christiansen fun to watch as the "Musician" they couldn't tell you was Bob Dylan cuz Bob didn't want anything to do with the movie.

truth be told, i rented this movie cuz i heard the sex scene betweeen Hayden and Sienna was real...so i wanted to see it for myself. it WAS really hot and sexy. it was really freaky tho, cuz Hayden looks like Brendan, and that was really weird to watch.

it was a sad movie. she was a sad person.

then, i popped in "The Last King of Scotland." Forrest Whitaker was magnificent. when Idi Amin's insanity comes bubbling to the surface, he is bloodthirsty and so incredibly frightening i could barely breathe. James McAvoy plays Nicholas Garrigan, a doctor who goes to Uganda, searching for a different life than his father's. the good doc gets that...and more. the scene in which he realizes he can't get out of the situation he finds himself in? wow. sinister, really. Gillian's in the movie, too, at the beginning, as the wife of a doctor, living out in the jungle. she looks beautiful with blond hair. Forrest deserved every ounce of that Oscar...

next up..."The Queen." i'll watch it tomorrow before i take all of them back, and get a few more movies that i want to catch up on...

one other thing...while i was at Family Video cruising the shelves for something to watch, i spied "The Long Weekend" out on dvd in the States. Chris still has my region 2 copy. now that i know it's available to watch on a "regular" dvd player, am i going to buy it? do i want it anymore? will it just be torture to watch him kiss someone, knowing he was thinking of me? maybe so, maybe so...

affirmation!

Louise Hay passes along yet another bit of something to think about each and every day...

begin looking at everything in your life in a new way. “do I really love it? do I really need it? would I be better off without it?” instead of buying and spending, save that money. let your money work for you for a change. this is the beginning of laying new groundwork for your life. you must make room for the good that’s just waiting for you. begin now. fill your mind with new positive thinking.

affirm today: the past is over and done. i release it with love, blessing every person, place and experience. i welcome the new!

morning meditation...our emotions

Each human is a complex system of chemicals, hormones, vibrations/frequencies as well as beliefs, programs, emotional addiction and emotional habits. The desire to attain a balance and discover the master control so to speak of the emotional nature is an important aspect of each human being.

Your emotions are like the sea. They ebb and flow. The sea is affected by the winds, the pull of the moon, the season. It is important for each human to realize that they can either be in the sea of emotions or riding the sea of emotions.

Awareness is the boat you build which allows you to ride the emotional waves moment to moment. It is important to realize that you are the boat and not the sea.

Remember that incomplete, unresolved, suppressed experiences that are triggered by a song, a smell, a memory will dump you into the emotional sea every time. Get back in the boat. Remember you are not these emotions. You might feel them, yet these emotions are offering you a clear sign that you are not in your center. In your center, in the boat of awareness you are the master control and navigator.

Each and everything that you personally do that reflects a vibration of joy, gratitude and appreciation enhances the matrix as a whole. These vibrations keep you in the boat above the emotional sea of turmoil and this allows you to honor your magnificence.

a reminder to...

Resting Your Body

As you develop your intuitive abilities, it’s perfectly okay to take a break from your development for few days or however long you need — don’t push it. Imagine how your radio sounds when the battery is low and the reception weakens. So it is with your physical body. You are here in the physical world, so stay balanced and grounded with your physical life as well as your spiritual life. Rest, relax, nurture yourself, take an aromatherapy bath, or go to bed earlier. You deserve it.

Blessings - John Holland

My body is my ultimate teacher. I honor and respect it.

pretty wild stuff

thought i'd check out this free numerology report about my "hidden" passions, you know, just for a giggle or two...and this is what i found...

Your Hidden Passion Number is 5

You love travel, change, and new challenges. You are highly adaptable and versatile. You have a talent for languages, and are generally good with words. Writing, promotion, and public relations work suit you perfectly.

You are sensual and a bit impulsive. You love to satisfy your senses, which can get you into trouble. Overindulgence in food, drink, sex, and drugs are common among people with too many 5s -- six or more.

You are resourceful and original. You have a good sense of humor and a quick tongue.

Your desire for freedom is extremely strong and it will take effort and discipline to stick with whatever it is you started. There is a tendency to give up a project or situation prematurely.
You may be interested in too many things, which can make it hard for you to apply yourself to one area successfully.

You are very unconventional.

Commitment in relationships and your work is fundamental to your happiness. You may have a tendency to wander from person to person, job to job, making depth of relationship or deep expertise difficult.

i am cracking the hell up. can you say "right on the nose?"

another great thought

don't be complacent.

start making your dreams come true by giving them voice now.

isn't that what i just wrote about? love that synchronicity!!!

dear abby of all places...

i am soooo happy this morning to find there is a connection at the house!! maybe the people from whom i "sip" this connection have returned from vacation? maybe the atmospheric conditions are again right to be able to do some "sipping?" i don't know. whatever the case, i am very pleased to be able to access the internet...yet another thing to be grateful for this morning!!!

i have been finding great stuff in the most unlikely of places as of late. case in point? in this morning’s Dear Abby ( i KNOW!!) there was a letter that i had to share…

Dear Abby-What are some ways that people can improve a negative self-image, improve their self-confidence and be more positive in their interactions with other people? AJ in Salt Lake City

Dear AJ: I’m glad you asked. Allow me to offer a few suggestions…
1-Stop and consider what caused your negative self image. Then begin taking positive steps to improve your body, soul and intellect.
2-If you feel yourself reverting to a poor self-image, remind yourself of what you are doing and why.
3-Reach out and do something for someone who is less fortunate than you are. It’s a guaranteed upper.
4-Avoid people who make themselves feel better by making others feel less so.
5-Count your blessings every single day, and make up your mind to be happy. People are usually as happy as they are determined to be.

talk about great stuff!! i am so happy to be able to start out my day with these thoughts in my head!!!! posting them, and passing them along seemed the best thing to do, no matter if anyone reads them or not…

more

posting a few things today, as i FINALLY got a connection online, altho it took a drive to Mishawaka to get one. the one that existed in our neighborhood is either 1) shut down cuz the owners are on vacation (which is the one i'm hoping is true) or 2) shut down cuz the owners moved. either aren't a happy proposition for me right now, as i'll have to really slow down the online connection by using dad's phone, or doing all my online stuff in public. the public thing isn't all bad, but, as i tend to get emotionally when writing, it could get a touch uncomfortable.

Dru was here for a week from Wed July 11th thru Wed July 18th. she spent the first and second nights with us. she and i spend Thursday together shopping and going to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (not a great movie...more of a placeholder til the next one comes out, if you ask me). i got to hang out with her a bit more the next day, too, as i took her to the mall to shop with a few of her girlfriends. the other girls were only there for about an hour and a half, so she and i spent more time wandering thru the stores. we did a lot of talking, and i got to know my niece better.

she really impressed me. she's got that whole teenager-ie thing going on, but she also has a grownupness that is startling. she seems very self-assured. it gives her the appearance of being older than she is, and the effect is a bit unsettling for this aunt of hers. she's almost 15, and it was almost as if we are equals. i like it, but it takes a bit of getting used to. she's an adult for crying out loud! how did THAT happen?!?!?!?

she let go

she let go. without a thought or a word, she let go. she let go of the fear. she let go of the judgments. she let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. she let go of the committee of indecision within her. she let go of all the “right” reasons. wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

she didn’t ask anyone for advice. she didn’t read a book on how to let go. she didn’t search the scriptures. she just let go. she let of all of the memories that held her back. she let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. she let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

she didn’t promise to let go. she didn’t journal about it. she didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. she made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. she didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. she just let go. she didn’t analyze whether she should let go. she didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. she didn’t utter one word. she just let go.no one was around when it happened. there was no applause or congratulations. no one thanked her or praised her. no one noticed a thing.

like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. there was no effort. there was no struggle. it wasn’t good. it wasn’t bad. it was what it was, and it is just that.

in the space of letting go, she let it all be. a small smile came over her face. a light breeze blew through her. and the sun and the moon shone forevermore.


wow. can it BE that simple?

attachment...

great stuff from Lisa today:


When your dreams or "end results" are stated generally, in broad brush strokes, like wealth and abundance, friends and laughter, health and harmony, then please, by all means, attach yourself to them. Attach, attach, attach. There is no limit to what you can have and no reason to expect anything less.

But when your end results are specific, like the ultimate car, a hot date, or a home in the country, do not attach, do not attach, do not attach.

Material details and specifics are always "how" to get to a grander picture of your life and are never important in and of themselves. They're "cursed hows" disguised as end results. Steps disguised as destinations. By all means, think of them, put them in your scrapbook or on your vision board to remind yourself of the kind of possessions and adventures that are your birthright, but do not give them an importance, through attachment, greater than what you are truly after: a fuller, richer life with all cups running over, the details of which will take care of themselves, when this is your end result.

so, if i'm getting what i should be getting from this, i should only ask my angels for general stuff. i should only ask them for the the next great job opportunity...preferrably in radio...but i am open to whatever they bring me!! that's what i have been asking (almost) every day for the past week. my traffic angels are always at work for me, and i (sometimes) remember to ask Michael and Ganesh for help, too. i ask them to help me, if it is what God wants for me. i feel that's important, too. to not just ask for something because i want it, but to ask for something and ask that MY wants are in line with God's wants for me. seems like a good idea...

the NEW Seven Wonders of the World

i don't know why we needed to name a "new" seven wonders. couldn't we have just added another seven and call them the "Next Seven Wonders of the World?" or the Seven Wonders of the "Modern" world?

anyway, they are as follows...

1-the Coliseum in Rome

2-the Great Wall of China

3-Machu Picchu in the Andes Mountains in South America

4-the white palace in India, the Taj Mahal

5-Petra, Jordan...the place where Indiana Jones and his dad found the Holy Grail :)

6-Chichén Itzá, Mexico...the Mayan Pyramids

7-Christ the Redeemer, the HUGE statue of Jesus on the mountaintop in Rio De Janerio, Brazil...where Horatio Caine did some kneeling, albeit in the OPPOSITE direction of the statue, in the opening sequence of the season premiere of CSI Miami :)

i have plans to see at least a few of these in my lifetime. Lisa and i are going to Machu Picchu, Chris and i will see Rome. i'd really like to see the Mayan (and the Egyptian) Pyramids, and Petra, too! these places have an awe-inspiring bit of wonder surrounding them. i would vote the Effiel Tower, Stonehenge, and the statues on Easter Island into the NEXT seven...

giggles

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. - WH Auden

isn't that the truth???!? don't most of the people you LOVE to be around make you laugh...really really deep down LAUGH?!?! and that helps you love them deep deep down

i don't know who this person, WH Auden, is, but i wholeheartedly agree!!

i am grateful for laughter!!!

my horoscope

for today:

Although it's difficult to put your hurt feelings into words, you will likely feel better about yourself today. Others may not realize the depth of your emotional wound, but that's because you keep your vulnerabilities hidden by expressing your competence, rather than complaining about what ails you. Remember that talking about your current blockages with someone you trust can help.

working on clearing that hurt and the root cause of why these things hurt me today, so this one just blew me away...

cool as hell

i spent time in the dark today with the "Transformers." it was, as alluded to above, cool as hell. i got a good laugh when "in association with Hasbro" flashed in the opening credits. good story, good cgi, great voices, good performances by the actors, too. another laugh at the masturbation subject matter. a bunch of recognizable actors whom i didn't know were in it, as i hadn't really been awaiting this movie with baited breath. i mean, i didn't really watch the cartoon show in the 80's, but was completely aware of it...what with the theme song and the toys all the rage at the time.

Jon Voight! John Turturro! the guy from "Hot Shots!" that you've seen a million times in a million different tv shows and movies! the woman who played "Nadine" on "Grace Under Fire!" Shia LeBouef!

and then, there's the reason i went to see the movie...Josh Duhamel. the hottest guy in "Las Vegas"...and in many many other places. he was on Regis and Kelly the other day...he had been on "All My Children" at the same time as Kelly, and they had a really fun rapport. he's really cute and funny and i melted.

and when he came onscreen, all dirty and sweaty...whew!! what could be better?!?!?

the autobots rocked soooooo friggin' hard. Optimus Prime?? Bumblebee??? Jazz?? the other two??? awesome!!!! i was curious to check, when i got home, if they used the original voice actors from the cartoon in the movie...IMDb says yes, they did, at least for Optimus Prime. total class. and, as i heard the voice of Optimus Prime, i must admit, he sounded familiar :)

and, how many yellow Camaros is Chevy gonna sell cuz of this movie???!?! i know, i want one now...really friggin gorgeous car...even if it doesn't transform in real life :)

another thing i LOVED about this movie was how strong and rockin' the chicks were!! the blond chick was the one who figured out the intial mystery...and the chick Shia is all about, knows stuff about cars and is the one who rescues one of the Autobots. cool as hell...

this, Alanis, is ironic..

i just blew up two years and five months of work, of writing about my life and trying to make sense of the things that are showing up in it and how i am working thru them.

i blew it up because Brendan has drawn his own conclusions about what i have written and has attacked me in his own, lovely way, in only the way the Brendan could have attacked me. he definitely knows how to hurt me, and has done that.

i refuse to allow him to use my words against me again, so i blew up "my authentic voice." do you find that as ironic as i do?

i am looking for the gratitude in this situation and have found it...in knowing what i had written on the other site had done what it was intended to for me in allowing me an outlet.

there is gratitude in knowing that David and Gillian both wanted to make sure i was okay, and that David is still in my corner. that, for some reason, makes me happy.

there is gratitude in releasing the place i used to wallow in my sadness over Brendan. there is gratitude in releasing the place i used to work thru my unemployment.

i believe leaving that place with the two remaining posts will make a very loud statement.

get out of your way!

from Lifehack.com:

Setting, and reaching your goals is a key to happiness in life, yet there is one culprit that often stands in the way of progress: yourself.

You, in fact, may be the only thing blocking yourself from achieving the fulfilling, satisfying life you deserve.You've heard the saying before: "We're all our own worst critics." It's this negative energy that can often bring you down and away from well-being. This compelling LifeHack article has got some simple, practical ways for you to finally reach your dreams ... by getting out of your own way:

1. Make time for what's most important to you.
2. Focus on your strengths, and they will grow.
3. Don't worry about how you feel (in fact, don't even pay attention to how you feel).
4. Realize that things tend to improve in gradual increments, not sudden breakthroughs.
5. Don't wait until you feel happy to get things done. Getting things done will make you feel good.
6. Rather than worrying about what needs to be done, spend your time doing things that need to be done.
7. Be open to changing your ideas.
8. Instead of getting stressed if things don't go your way, accept what happened and move forward.

#1 has been hard for me in the past. i am working on making time for what's most important to me...which helps make me happy! #4 is rough too, cuz i'm the person Roald Dahl used to model Veruca Salt on ("i want it NOW daddy!) :p #8 is something i find difficult to do. i am working on letting go of things that happen/have happened and am slowing my tendency to analyze and over-analyze those things.

to paraphrase the poet laureate Meatloaf: five outta eight ain't bad!!!

wow...coincidence? naaaah...

i found this in my email this morning...courtesy of Gary Smalley...

Have you ever heard this phrase? You become what you think. Everything about you is the result of what you've been thinking. Daydreaming is thinking, planning is thinking, imagining is thinking, reacting to circumstances is thinking, and wishing things could have been different for you is thinking. Think about this verse: "For as he thinks within himself, so he is" (Proverbs 23:7).

After days, months, and years of thinking certain thoughts like, Oh this is bad that my father says horrible things to me, I wish I'd never been born, I must be a very bad person, you can soon develop a deep belief about yourself or any situations that you continue to think about negatively. When deep negative or even self-centered beliefs develop within you, how do you break them?

First, understand that you're in control of what you think about. Your thoughts determine your future emotions, words, and actions. Your thoughts can be changed as you begin to see yourself as God sees you. Second, you do this by hearing, listening, reading, studying, memorizing, and thinking about God's Word every day! You will begin to see how much he loves you and wants you to build a close relationship with him.

What thoughts are you focusing on every day?

Will you choose to see yourself as God sees you?

and then...i also received a letter from D. he and i have been corresponding for at least six weeks, discussing the comment SB left on my other blog. discussing SB's perceptions of me. his mistrust.

i have struggled with my thoughts about myself ever since that day in June of 2005. i have really worked on turning my thoughts around...after a dreary three-month period from January 2006-March 2006 i realized what i thought about myself was what i perpetuated. while feeling alone and abandoned, i was perpetuating the aloneness. the negative just brought more negative, and i wanted good things! so...i started thinking good things.

synchronistic that this email came the day i started thinking bad things again.

i am filled with gratitude!! thank you...

updated be do have...

my updated list of 100 things to be do have...


1. Bruno, my boy Yorkie dog!
my sweet sweet little puppy dog!!! along with some dog treats, toys, and crate for potty training and sleeping
2. dyson d14 animal vac
a cool new vacuum to keep the dust from making me sneeze, and to pick up the hair from the dog...if there is hair from the dog!
3. citrine gemstone necklace
helps me release what is no longer serving me physically, mentally and emotionally
4. blue phoenix necklace
helps me let go of my old concept of myself and allow in a new expanded sense of self
5. radiant heart necklace
this necklace is paramount in reinforcing all the good feelings i have about myself and about life!
6. mother of pearl necklace
wearing this necklace is like giving myself a big warm hug...i love myself!
7. malachite necklace
this necklace helps bring my bodies energies into harmony!
8. lt. green aventurine necklace
this necklace helps cleanse my body of toxins from all the drug use!
9. riverstone gemstone necklace
wearing this riverstone necklace when i'm meditating helps me focus on my meditation and block out distractions
10. agate gemstone necklace
this agate gemstone necklace helps get me grounded in the new place i'm living...and helps keep me grounded after air travel!!
11. poppy jasper gemstone necklace
this poppy jasper necklace helps remove blockages!!
12. angelfire gemstone necklace
this necklace helps me lock my thoughts into positive manifestations!
13. Fiestaware!!
i've gone on a Fiestaware shopping spree!!! i've added new colors and new items to my collection and am using them whenever i eat healthy food in my house each and every day!!
14. Le Creuset cookware
9 piece cookware set in sonoma blue, lemongrass and flame colors! gorgeous colors excite the senses in my kitchen!!
15. All-Clad Cookware
stainless steel 15 piece cookware set with extra saucepans, a grill pan, wok pan, and whatever else catches my fancy allows me to cook safely and healthy each time i prepare a meal!
16. Cuisinart Food Processor
a cool new food processor is such a BIG help in the kitchen! i'm cooking fresh, healthy food and nourishing my body with every bite!
17. Kitchen Aid Artisan Mixer
the graphite mixer is something i've wanted for a very long time!! i am soooo excited to have it and use it to make lots and lots of yummies for other people and for ME, too!!
18. bedroom furniture and linens
a new bed frame and mattress, new nightstands and table lamps, a chaise lounge and floor lamp, blanket chest/bench, and linens along with pillows are making my bedroom an elegant santuary! a place i LOOOOOVE to spend time and relax in!!
19. Canon EOS Rebel XTI
new camera with new lenses, filters, camera case and sd cards to take more gorgeous pictures! i am grateful for the excellent equipment to record my travels, but also the things that show the beauty of God's touch!!
20. dining room furniture
table and four chairs with hutch for my china and stemware! highback chairs with comfy pads to sit on. substantial table, too. mission style made by swartzendrubers!
21. furniture for the living room!
new couches, club chairs, ottomans, lamps, area rugs, end tables...whatever strikes my decorating fancy! cd/dvd cabinets, too!
22. 2008 Ford Escape Hybrid
it's the new hybrid green color with every cool option i want! i am sooo happy to have a car that not only saves me money but also helps save the environment!! weeeha!!
23. Chrysler Crossfire Coupe Ltd.
it's machine grey crystal pearl...absolutely gorgeous! the spoiler automatically comes out when the car hits 55 mph...how cool is that?!?!?! all the options i want, too!
24. an apartment in Cabo
it's a four-week timeshare that i need to have in Cabo. to be able to spend a month there a year is pure luxury and restorative!! being there with my friends and family whenever we want is so much fun!!
25. trip to Italy...Rome & Florence
airfare and hotel for the trip to see the Vatican, Coliseum in Rome, Michaelangelo's David in Florence! plenty of cash for great food and shopping! taking Chris to see the sights and all the art!
26. trip to Seattle and Vancouver BC
airfare, hotel for a week. plenty of cash for great food and shopping. hanging out with Patti and Jim, Kara and her family!
27. a 3 bedroom house in Sedona AZ
a beautiful, spacious home in the place i want to live. mountains and red rocks out my windows, desert, too. this is where my soul vibrates!!
28. spa time for me and Liz
time spent with Liz where we are relaxing and pampering ourselves!
29. travel for Mom and Dad
round-trip tickets for Mom and Dad whenever they want to come visit!
30. travel to see Judy
trips to see Judy in Denver whenever i want to see her!
31. Cabo Trip
a week in Cabo with Lisa for our 45th birthdays sometime in November 2008...actually it will be our 46th, but who's counting?!?!? :)
32. qi-gong retreat
time off in October to go thru the retreat with Master Chunyi Lin and the money to travel to Minneapolis
33. airline tix for Lisa
round-trip tickets for her to visit every couple of months!
34. airline tix to Portland
round-trip tickets to see Tim and the family whenever i wish!
35. the man of my dreams
what can i say? i want a relationship with a man to help sustain me, to excite me, and to help me grow.
36. AM drive job in Pleasanton
this is the job i want! this is the money i want! this is where i want to be right now! mountains out my window, water nearby!! thank you God for helping me get into the vibration of bringing this to me!
37. apartment in Pleasanton
my own place in the place i want to live and work. two bedrooms or more, a place where i can have my doggie, and a place where its quiet enough for me to be able to fall asleep early enough to do my job to the best of my ability!
38. trip to Ireland
Ireland is a place i want to see with my father while he's still alive.

Agatha CHRISTIE??!?!

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

-Agatha Christie

who knew, while she was crafting her mysteries, she was living a life that would elicit these types of thoughts?